Pep Talk

If you've been here awhile you may remember that every year I like to come up with some mantra that I would like to sum up the year ahead of me. It started with "kicking A" a few years back and progressed into just be better, then "keep your head on straight". I think I've finally settled on one for this new year. I have a lot of irons in the fire right now, so to speak. It is a huge time of transition for me personally, and I'd probably also say spiritually. The funny thing is that 2011 is also, according to numerologists and new age types, a year that represents a shift in focus and paradigm for the entire planet. We are collectively entering a new cycle of birth and growth. This idea registered with me because I'm feeling so much focus right now on creating and bringing about new growth in my own life and I sense that many of my peers are doing this too. The prediction feels right to me and it makes me extremely hopeful and excited about the year ahead for the whole lot of us out there in the world.

It takes a lot of energy to make things happen, to make life happen the way you'd like it to. I can't think of a more concrete symbol of energy than flame or fire. This is a year I'm going to need all the energy I can muster so I have decided 'STOKE IT UP' is my new mantra winner. It also makes me happy to use this phrase because it strikes a personal chord. My dad is the best fire master I know and I grew up with lots of family time around the fire and hearing "throw another log on the fire" and "stoke the fire, Alli", and now my kids regularly help do this job when they are at Grandpa's house. Anyway, this mantra feels really apt for the kind of life I want to lead in 2011. I love the word stoke and its inherent snowboarder-esque "I'm stoked" enthusiasm, but I also love that it's an action word. It is not passive; one cannot properly stoke sitting on one's ass, and that's what I need, what the world needs really, more action, less talk. A get 'er done sensibility.

I love to nerd out and watch those youtube videos showing chain reactions like this. It's impressive to see materially/physically the way one small action or movement can set a series of events in motion. It's the ripple, the domino effect at play. I can't help but believe that the choices I make in my life have this same effect on a larger whole. What I decide to do today makes tomorrow take shape. What I say to my children tomorrow effects what they will say to their children in 30 years. What I don't do or say can't ever happen, it can't ever become a ripple on the surface effecting the larger wave. It's nothing, a non-factor, and there's not much life in nothing as far as I can tell.

The truth of the matter is that we are all shaping our reality each minute of our lives. It suddenly feels very important to me to make the choice to stoke rather than to sit and watch and dream. I've done enough watching and waiting for now. I'm ready to fill a corner of the world with what I want to see.

All this self pep talkery makes me mindful of a wonderful quote by Goethe that is always at the top of my inspirato file...if this can't nudge to get in the zone of action, I don't know what can....

"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming."

STOKE IT UP!!

You say it's your birthday...

My oldest child is fast approaching her 7th birthday. Next week I will have a 7 year old daughter! I find it rather shocking since that means I've been parenting, been MOM, for all that time; I've been on the clock and basically responsive and responsible for 2,555 days! It feels like quite an achievement for both me and Cleo.

Parenting is as dynamic and mysterious a process as photosynthesis, as far as I'm concerned. Parenting has shaped my heart and mind in ways that I certainly couldn't ever have predicted and it has challenged me to the breaking point on many occasions. I think one of the biggest perks, and certainly one of the most balancing principles of parenting is the way it humbles you. Daily I'm humbled by the humongous love I feel for my kids, one that seems to just keep exponentially growing. I'm humbled by all the mistakes and instantaneous regrets I feel when I mishandle or ignore something and watch the mood and problem spiral out of my grasp. I'm humbled by the way my kids seem to just keep loving me right through all those mistakes I make. And I'm humbled by the enormity of the task of teaching and caring for someone for a lifetime, knowing that whatever happens this relationship of being a parent to a child will define me and help define them.

Cleo as an almost 7 year old is so full of wonder and smart little quips that I seriously want to bottle her vitality and save it for some future rainy day when she's a teen, lying on the bed in headphones texting, dull eyes staring back at me. She can be rough and tumble or dainty and fancy. She likes dinosaurs and peace signs and owls. She is attracted to treasures and hoards small objects like, ahem, ancient skeleton keys stolen from Grandma Mia's house. She collects rocks and crystals, loves Scooby Doo, ancient Egypt, and anything macabre. I know I'm biased, but I think she's utterly fascinating. But don't get me wrong, I forget this important fact daily. I think sometimes I forget to see my own children, or maybe it's more that I tend to only see them as my children and forget to see them for themselves?

The monotony of routine as a parent, and the fact that you are responsible for creating a human who understands manners, grammar, morality, and kindness is what can make you numb to the experience. But boy, taken out of context, kids are magic. Watching Flynn walk around with his white elephant gift-a disposable camera- over the holidays was enough to remind me that everything he sees is of interest to him. The doorknob, my face, the toilet bowl. Details are interesting to kids, and as they age, I'm learning that they have such fascinating ways of putting all those details together to form a world view. I was telling Cleo a story about my youth at my Grandma Lou's the other day and she interrupted me to ask "so was all the world gray back then?" She was interpreting black and white photos and movies into her perception of the past. Isn't that interesting?

Taking the time out of my busy task mastering role to really just hang out with my kids and talk to them feels like a worthy goal. Over the holiday break I indulged and let my chatty Cleo talk my ear off while I tickled her back before bed. She's always talkative at this time of night but most the time I'm eager to get her down, get to my couple hours of uninterrupted freedom. Or I can only see it as a ploy to stay awake longer so I tend to cut it short and sometimes even get annoyed at her long list of topics she wants to discuss at such an inopportune time. But it was so fun to just listen to her with a free ear, one hungry to hear her funny thoughts and wishes. We have discussed things like why we can't be buried in our own backyard when we die, having cake shops next to each other one day and apartments in Paris where our whole family sleeps on bunk beds, why Arctic animals have white fur, and who the oldest person we know is. Our conversations have zest and depth and I think its because I'm really listening and entertained by what she has to say. I'm being present. And often I think that's the hardest thing to do as a parent and a busy adult with adult sized worries and preoccupations, but also probably the most valuable thing I can do for my kids. I believe giving attention to others is always a gift, but giving true attention to my children is as much a gift to me as it is to them. It gives me the chance to unwrap-present-like- the daily hard work and grind of parenting and transform it into a fleeting moment of discovery and connection. Who is this person I'm so driven to love and protect and nurture anyway?

My sweet father in law always wishes me a happy birthday on my children's birthdays. It's a lovely recognition of the fact that for all us parents out there on the day our children are born a new us is born as well. Our life divides, our heart multiplies. I've never felt that more than on this 7th birthday of being a parent. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday, Cleo. I am one lucky lady to know you.