I hate money, or more properly said, I hate the lack of it. It's a super drag to be poor! Prioritizing needs and not factoring in wants takes a toll on the psyche. I've recently had to say no to an expense that meant something to me-an annual trip with girlfriends whom I dearly love. It just wasn't in the cards, or the bank account this year, and owning up to this truth, as right as it was, has been surprisingly difficult.
I don't know about you, but we live with a certain amount of subterfuge in our finances. Absolute zero is never actually absolute zero, thanks to modern day credit and card-age. It is so easy to live beyond actual means, especially when means fluctuate as wildly as ours do. We are used to a feast or famine cycle around here, and it is all too easy for us to think we are just paying for something now, in the interim, until the big money comes up or the paycheck gets sent from the last job or whatever excuse we offer up. Saying no to the recent trip was a manifestation, an exercise, in acknowledging what I can actually afford RIGHT NOW, with the bottom dollar, rather than what I would like to afford. I do that neat "what I would like to afford" & purchase trick all the time. And it feels good in the moment, whereas this no/denial thing hurts a lot in the moment. I hate to miss out on fun. I hate to miss out on memories and chick flick movie marathons, and Ketel One popsicles, damn it! But big picture me is attempting to focus in on what is gained from a sacrifice like this. It's a pretty tidy, short list at this point, but I have to admit to feeling a nice sense of responsible control and a good dose of putting family needs first. It gets down to brass tax sometimes, and I have to be willing to ask myself whether a trip for me or snow boots or dance lessons for the kids is priority. Kids will win every time when you put us head to head. And that actually feels good to acknowledge. It makes me feel like a bona fide grown up, even if grown ups do get to have less fun.
I think one of the interesting things about money is that it definitely makes the world go round, but in my world, no one ever talks about it. I don't know what a single friend or family member in my life makes or how much they live on. I don't know whether someone could retire young or whether they hoarde food stamps in their purse. It's simply not a subject we breach. It feels awkward to even write about money to me. I feel exposed, judged, and gauche. What is this about? Is there a reason to keep money a behind closed doors topic, whether you are talking about wealth or poverty? Why does it feel so strange to "admit" that I can't afford something? And why do I so rarely hear others express this simple fact? There is no way every single person I know has massive savings and plenty of dough. Financial statistics for my generation, not to mention the current financial climate, just don't bear that out.
It makes me wonder if the language of affordability is a bit like learning a foreign tongue, something that only practice can make fluent? Perhaps it is time for our entire culture to take a little Rosetta Stone course in money talk? I wouldn't mind having a few well rehearsed phrases in my arsenal, ways to politely explain to a friend or loved one that I can't afford a certain something, or "I've exceeded my monthly budget for eating out, oops!", without feeling any ensuing awkwardness and/or pity. I guess that's the crux of it all. We seem to be trained in this culture to believe that when we talk about our money we are revealing something private, personal. But in a way, money couldn't be less so. It's cold, hard cash at the end of the day; flimsy paper. It represents facts and sociology but not really an iota of personality. It reveals something about me, but more in a text book way than anything interesting. Talking about money in the positive or in the negative seems like it shouldn't be dirty laundry. It should just be about admitting the status quo and making decisions based on it.
And probably there are plenty of people out there who do treat it that way, I've just never been one of them. But I'd like to try to be. I'm a huge believer that silence on any subject gives it an unnamed power; the if we don't name it, we can't fix it (or we continue to fear it) paradigm. I hope that owning up to my own patch of scarcity right now is brave. It feels brave. It feels a bit like I've been caught with my pants down too, but I'm going to go ahead and assume you won't mind the view. :) But let's be clear. There's no pity party going on here. And there shouldn't be. Good things come out of want, that's something I know: reinvention, creativity, and honest to goodness gratitude. I see A LOT of wealth in that trio.
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