i will learn to respect you, budget

this week, post experiment, has been a tough one.  i've found myself relentlessly tempted to over-spend but feeling twice as guilty about it. the residual habit of not spending money is there (in its infancy) and it has made me agonize over what i do spend.   i've been working hard at staying on the proposed new budget but am quickly realizing just how limiting it really is.  it doesn't allow for any extras and coming off last month's scarcity, i seem to be more in the mood for extras than i thought!  i'm trying to reign it all in but in "real life" and not the vacuum of last month's experiment, it is more challenging than i would have guessed. 

i think i might just be an all or nothing kind of gal. maybe i do better with total restraint instead of just some constraints...does that make sense?  i read recently on the happiness project blog, which is a new fave of mine, that people fall into two categories: moderators or abstainers.  these terms are basically shorthand for whether you find it easier to go cold turkey without something or to moderately indulge in it.  i can see that i don't have the budgetary control to moderately indulge, at least not yet.

i had an interesting experience yesterday that got to the heart of the matter.  i met my friend and her kids at the library for storytime and then she innocently said "let's go up the street and grab lunch before the girls have school." it made sense, we were all hungry, but my inner dialogue was saying "no, eating out for lunch! this will break my budget!"   i wouldn't have thought twice about spending like this a month ago, but suddenly the thought of unplanned spending made me feel really uncomfortable. but instead of saying no, i went.  the situation pointed out that i don't have any practice at defending my budget and vocalizing or admitting my budget constraints to another.  other than last month, i've never told anyone before that i couldn't do something because i didn't have the money.  if i didn't, i would either make up an excuse about why i couldn't do said thing, or more often i would just do it anyway and put it on the credit card to be dealt with later.   

i have never been accountable to a budget and i can see now that is the most important aspect of staying on one. i have to own it.  i have to agree that i'm not going to just "ballpark it"  for  the amount i can spend on eating out, but instead i must stop eating out when said money is spent. end of story.   i need to accept that the budget is my ally, not my foe.  i'm skipping little stuff now so i can reap big rewards later, maybe a reward that includes an airplane ride and a warm beach?  i'm skipping stuff now so i don't have to worry about that credit card stuff and ever living beyond my means.  i think people can respect that, right?   so what should i say next time i'm invited to something that will violate my budget?  the proper language evades me. this is new territory.  i am reminded of my friend once telling me that her parents dealt with her and her 6 siblings' constant requests for new clothes and toys by saying one simple phrase "sorry, we can't afford it."  there's no debating that, there's no come back one can offer.    now i just need the balls to say it out loud to someone and mean it.