No nincompoops allowed!

I've had responsibility on the brain today. Awhile ago when I was at my lovely friend Sarah's I was struck by a sign she posted on her family's bulletin board.

"RESPONSIBILITY. Anything children can do for themselves and we do it for them, takes away an opportunity for them to discover how responsibility serves them."

I think this statement hit me because I so immediately believed its truth but also because I recognized how little I was following this in my own home. My children are now 7 and 3 1/2. They still have desperate moments of neediness but also increasing stretches of self-sufficiency where they are content to follow their own whims and desires without much of my influence. As a parent its a relief to be at this stage, to have a moment to breathe and to get to reap the benefits of all those days of nonstop attention.

And yet I find that a parental wean is now required on my part...those bare bones days of sustenance and constant need meeting may be past, but left in it's wake is a habit that makes me jump to fulfill their requests and wants. From the simplest yell up the stairs for a drink of water to cleaning up dirty dishes, crumbs, and playdough, I've done my kids no favors by being quick to do these things for them. It's not an accurate picture of life's demands and it certainly isn't an accurate picture of how I want them to function as older children and future adults. Every parent imagines their kid reaching for the stars, climbing toward future success and happiness. I never picture my kid calling me to wipe his ass at 12. And yet if I don't start requiring more of them now when they are fledglings, then how will the desire, the need, or the know how materialize when they are older?

We live in an ultra convenient world. And it's more than likely that all these conveniences and gadgetry are making today's children less than able to do for themselves. In fact I read a great op-ed piece awhile back called "Are we Raising a Generation of Nincompoops?" that brings these exact concerns up. I truly worry that my 7 year old really doesn't know how to tie her own shoes yet and that much of her life is experienced with the aid of a virtual interface. It is such a good reminder that I don't need to be another interface for my kids preventing them from having raw, hands on experiences that can be both rewarding and trying for them. There are enough avenues making their lives easier. I really don't need to make home life ultra convenient for them too.

I'm a believer that one of the best aspects of being part of a family is contributing to that family in whatever way I can. Contributing is a beautiful word to me because it implies an individual putting forth something towards a common purpose, to in effect become part of the larger whole. In my desire to be loving and attentive I haven't given my kids enough opportunities to become part of the larger whole. So I've vowed to make a change and have officially instituted a new weekly chore list that will earn my darlings a teenie weenie allowance. I instituted the plan this weekend and the new lists are on the fridge and already pock marked with check marks. I'm also going to consciously respond less to their demands-not ignoring mind you, but a loving "I think you can handle that" quip.

Happily I didn't feel much friction from either Cleo or Flynn about the new regime. I actually think they want increased responsibility. It's easy to forget as parents that kids (at least the young ones) actually do aim to please. Cleo already "invented" a new chicken egg collecting system and judging by the gusto with which Flynn can smooth a bedspread, I think I've got a little emerging neat freak on my hands. The true test will be mine, whether I can bite my tongue and my urge to jump in and respond in order to nurture the kind of self sufficiency that will take them into reality not kicking and screaming and apathetic, but already contributing, already full of life skills and esteem. I love to think what a future made up of those kids would look like...