a little background

so the idea for this project was born from my beloved volvo  taking an abrupt nose dive on I-215 two weeks ago. the transmission blew and suddenly i am stranded on the side of the road and then even more suddenly stranded inside my house with two young children for days on end.  

initially i felt desperate at the thought of going car-less and being stuck at home.  i think anyone with young children knows that each day stretches out like a hundred years (even if the years themselves fly by and you can't believe you have a 5 year old already) and so i definitely  have become the kind of mom to fill up the day with errands; trips to the bank, target, library for storytime or a new batch of books, the aquarium, ice cream, del taco, a playdate here, a playdate there....just stuff to break up my day and theirs.  and then add the holiday madness and to do lists on top of this structure i impose on each day and i felt down right panicked. but since we're basically broke right now,  i knew i had to roll with it, forget the rental car option dancing in my head and just suck it up and stay home.  

the first day actually wasn't hard. it happened to snow a brilliant, deep winter snow all day and being on house arrest felt cozy and right.  we made hot chocolate and watched a movie, flynn took a super long nap and the day just flowed.  the second and third day were much harder. i felt edgy and irritable with the kids and catching up on the laundry didn't feel like much of an achievement for a whole day of my life. the upside of course was getting to things that i rarely do like mopping the kitchen floor (don't judge...but i usually think a sweep and a spot check with a wipe will suffice), wiping all the germ infested toys down with lysol, making a goodwill pile so we have room for the influx of holiday toys....little things but things that made me feel good and more on top of it.     it was also fun to be able to allow myself the time to really get into something the kids wanted to do, no matter how long it took. cleo loves crafts and art projects and it was fun to "fill up the day" walking to the store to buy the trimmings to make a gingerbread house and then sitting right down to make it.   no rush, no fuss. 

and then somehow by the end of the first week i had mellowed and relaxed into this new homebound life and realized, quite by acciden,t that i found it totally LIBERATING and actually started to see it as a bit of a luxury. maybe this was just what the doctor ordered?  there i was at home, enjoying myself, enjoying my home, and my children more, not less.  so i've been trying to digest the why of this and i've come up with a couple theories...

i think a lot of my self-imposed erranding and feeling like i need to create activities for my children actually stems from my being a stay-at-home mom and worrying that if i don't schedule and do, do, do i will be perceived, or worse, will perceive myself, as being lazy or not doing enough.  (this topic is a whole ball of wax in and of itself. there have been tomes written about the mommy wars and the good vs. evil-ness of staying at home or working outside the home. the whole topic is exhausting to think about, much less debate. i don't pretend to have a political angle here, all i know is that for me, as an educated, capable woman who decided to stay at home and raise kids, it is a constant struggle to feel validated in this choice and i wonder every single day on some level if it is the E word--enough.) the ironic thing that these weeks home have taught me is that filling up your life with stuff, with to dos, with social activities is draining.  i think being too busy has made me more chaotic at home and i've let important things slip like managing my family's finances and really focusing in on my children and making my time their time.  jaren and i like to joke about my job being that of house manager and it has taken these weeks being home more to realize that i was doing a really poor job of it. it was like giving myself a corrective interview. and that, my friends, is part of what this month's experiment is all about. i am going to take my job as house manager more seriously.  will this make me happier? will this make my family better?  we shall see...we shall see.