Magic afoot.....

I love being the boss of my kids, but like any job, I sometimes have managerial issues. I often can relate to Michael Scott on The Office, cheer leading to a very unappreciative pair of disgruntled employees. Sometimes my crew doesn't seem motivated to listen or achieve, and quite often both Cleo and Flynn choose not to follow our house rules (which pretty much all restate the GOLDEN RULE in various ways) and instead try to scratch each other's eyes out over who has the blue marker or the chair next to mom or the pink plate or other such silly dramas. And that's frustrating, especially when I'm at the end of my line with a long day, or worse when Jaren's away traveling for blocks of time and I'm plain desperate for receptive ears and cooperative hands and minds. I find that my frustration with my kids and their behvaior can outweigh the fun of parenting and then its like a weird graph chart or something, as my frustration and theirs increases so does the level of our voices--much higher and louder! Things devolve very quickly around here when we have reached that point with each other. I hate going to bed feeling like I spent the day yelling at my kids. About a month ago I decided I needed to try something new to try and alleviate power struggles and to help my kids learn to make better choices on their own.

There are a gazillion techniques that parenting books or online resources suggest for motivating kids toward better behavior. One of the ones I come across most frequently is the marble jar. Basically parents reward kids with a marble for good behavior which they then put in a jar, and when the jar is full, the child receives an agreed upon reward or treat. It is a simple concept but very effective, thanks to the tangibility of seeing actual marbles pile up. I think kids really need to SEE results not just have you ask for them. I also like the fact that a marble can stand in for just about anything in parenting world....doing a chore, using the potty, washing hands, finishing homework, cleaning their plate at dinner, sharing, and especially for those unexpected moments of kindness kids bestow on each other and a parent happens to witness.

Most marble jar users seem to only "give" marbles for positive behavior. Maybe I'm a meaner mom, or just in the throes of the terrible two's, but I felt I had to tweak the marble system a bit for my family and instead have come up with the pebble system. We use glass beads (normally used in flower arrangements) as our pebbles and Cleo and Flynn each have their own color and own clear glass mason jar. Next to each jar both kids have 2 cups-one with a happy face on it and the other with a sad face. We keep the jars and cups right on the ledge above the kitchen sink so its a very prominent spot. Each morning I put 4 marbles on the top of the jar and throughout the day the kids either earn happy or "magic" pebbles for good behavior and random acts of kindness, or sad pebbles for sassing, fighting, hurting each other, etc. They can always earn back pebbles in the sad cup but I can't take away pebbles from the happy cup. At the end of the day the pebbles in the happy cup get poured into the jar and the sad ones go back into the pool to be earned again. They each have a reward card on the fridge where we wrote down what they decided to work toward. Last week we completed the first round of full jars and Cleo got to go swimming at our Rec Center and Flynn got to go out for ice cream--pretty small rewards for 3 weeks of much less yelling and way more cooperation!

I think a key reason the system has been so successful around here is that before we got started, I sat down with the kids and really discussed what we would be doing and asked them what kind of behavior would earn a magic vs. a sad pebble. I tried really hard not to feed them the answers and I was really pleased to see that on her own Cleo already clearly knew the difference between behaviors that are positive and behaviors that make me crazy! We worked together to make a list on our chalkboard and I haven't had the heart to erase it since it is so cute and keeps us all motivated. I had to work a little harder to get independent answers from Flynn, but he was able to articulate on his own "no hitting" "listening to mom and dad" and "staying in my bed." A pretty good start for two.

It really has changed my life to be able to "threaten" with the very idea of getting a sad pebble rather than yell and hiss, and to have a tangible means of rewarding my kids for good deeds. It makes the whole transaction of parenting a little less fraught with emotion. I half believe there really is some magic in those pebbles; lightening the mood, easing frustration, and feeling like we are all having more fun together--those are magic accomplishments to me. Cleo and Flynn have both told me seperatly that they think me or Jaren should get a magic pebble for something nice we have done and I'm thinking about trying that experiment too...making a parent jar and giving the kids a chance to reward or deny us some pebbles. Even as an adult, I can still use a reprimand and a reward every now and again!


P.S.I love the wonderful blog Let's Explore's version of the marble jar because they use one jar to motivate both their kids to work toward a reward for the whole family. It's a team effort and focuses on the positive. Check it out.